This is Sideline Stories. A platform where NE10 student-athletes can share their collegiate experiences in an unfiltered environment - using their voices to promote growth and positive change in our league and in all of NCAA Division II athletics.
Julia Hand, a rising senior goalkeeper on the Saint Anselm field hockey team, has had great success in collegiate athletics. More importantly, she has become more familiar with herself as a person through her experiences. Here is her Sideline Story:
My name is Julia Hand. This is my story.
Until high school I was a soccer player. I never imagined that I would make the choice to play field hockey. All my friends played soccer, so why would I do anything differently?
My mom was a scholarship field hockey goalkeeper at Boston University and she played every second she was there. She was the one who introduced me to the game. When I got to high school, I knew I wanted to be just like her, so I tried out for field hockey. I even decided to play goalkeeper.
I wanted more than anything to make her proud. I joined a club program too, and every single practice I gave all I had to try and improve, even if it was just a little bit.
Eventually, it was time to choose a college and begin a new chapter somewhere. My number one priority was picking a school for my sport, not academics. I had many stressors related to finding a college good enough to make everyone proud. I thought it had to be Division I, and if it wasn’t I would be letting people down.
I ended up finding my home at Saint Anselm College. It was Division II, but the program was incredible and I thought I could be an impact player there. Settled in and ready to become a better me, my mind was convinced that all my doubts about whether I was good enough would subside.
It didn’t happen exactly like this though.
My internal conflict and self-doubt was only just beginning to fester in high school. My stress soon traveled from my hometown of Reading, Massachusetts, to Manchester, New Hampshire, and Saint Anselm College. My stress increased and I would always look to my friends, coaches, professors and family for approval.
Starting in goal as a freshman is not something that most players in the NE10 can say they have done and this was an amazing achievement. My position was one that every field hockey player dreamed of, yet, it never felt like enough. I felt like I was always doing things to make other people happy instead of myself.
I was struggling, but I refused to admit it. Every single game I would put so much pressure on myself and every loss became my fault. As a goalkeeper it is very easy to put everything on your shoulders and learning not to do this is very hard.
This pressure continued to increase and I knew something just wasn’t right. I needed to get out of my head. My solution to this may have been slightly unconventional.
I made the decision to join the United States Army.
I chose to join the army because the army is something that pushes you out of your comfort zone and this is exactly what I needed. Being pushed to your limit every moment of every day helps you find out who you are deep down.
Everything I had done thus far in my life was to make other people proud; to do what I thought everyone wanted me to do. The army was my thing. I was doing it for myself. I was going to work harder than I had ever worked, and prove to myself that I was strong enough to do anything.
The next four months were the hardest of my life. Through sweat, injury and lots of tears, I persevered and I’m better for it.
When you get to Basic Training they tell you that when you get back home, you’re going to be different. I never believed it, until it happened to me. When I got home, I felt distant from my peers, and even my parents.
It was hard because the world continued on without me while I was away. The Patriots won the Super Bowl and the only reason I knew was because one of my friends wrote it to me in a letter.
While I was learning to fire a weapon, hand-to-hand-combat skills, and how to keep running when I had nothing left in me, all my friends were at Super Bowl parties. This divide was hard to bear, but I knew the lessons I was learning were critical to my growth as a person.
While fighting all the battles at Basic Training, I also discovered something about myself; a secret. Coming home with this secret would take a toll on my mental health, or so I thought.
While I was in Basic Training I met some of the coolest people I have ever met from all over the country. They helped shape who I have become. They picked me up on my worst days, and I picked them up on their worst days. There was one person who I made a very special connection with. Throughout training we were best friends.
After graduation from Basic Training, we realized we were a lot closer than friends. Now, she’s my girlfriend.
I had never considered the possibility of being gay until then. I had always dated guys because that’s what I thought teenage girls did. All my friends had boyfriends, so I was supposed to have one too, right?
Wrong.
Being with this girl I was happier than I had ever been. She made me feel loved in a way I never knew existed.
I realized being happy isn't about other people. It didn’t matter that my mom will always be better at field hockey than me, or that all my friends were dating guys, or that I missed all those Super Bowl parties. What mattered was that I was happy.
The people who loved me don’t love me any less because I’m gay. It’s part of who I am as a person and it turns out that it made me a better athlete. I learned that conforming to the norms of society made me afraid to come out to my family and my peers. Being so comfortable knowing who I am changed me as an athlete; it gave me the confidence I needed to soar.
This season I was able to take on bigger challenges with more confidence. Every time I stepped on the field I was able to push myself further than I ever could before with fewer nerves.
The game turned from trying to make everyone else proud, to making myself proud. When I stepped on the field I was doing it to have fun and to do my best.
This past season, every game we got one step closer to every player’s dream of making it to the National Championship. Through hard work, we finally made it to the game I had dreamed about my entire life. Instead of the nerves I would have felt in prior years, I had a sense of humbled pride and it was the most incredible feeling I have ever felt.
Although we didn’t win, I learned that my best was enough for me, and through hard work it was enough to become an All-American player.
-Julia Hand
Credits:
Saint Anselm Athletics